When I first learned about the “stages” of grief, I thought the idea of “acceptance” was ridiculous. I would never ever be okay with the fact that Mom died, or the fact that she’s not here anymore.
But I guess what I’ve learned is that “acceptance” does not equal “being okay with.” I think that what acceptance has come to mean for me is being able to live in the reality where what happened, happened, but not suffering so much when thinking about it. Here are some of the tangible signs of my lack of acceptance from some time ago:
- Scream-crying in the shower for Mom to “come back”.
- Thinking of something I want to tell Mom and physically getting the urge to dial her number.
- Constantly replaying the series of events in my head leading up to and including her death - reliving the visceral moments of her last breaths, over and over again.
- Constantly revisiting pictures from when Mom was sick/dying.
- Feeling angry about her death 24/7.
- Waking up from nightmares about Mom's death over and over.
- Feeling shocked day in and day out that my mom was gone - forever.
Now that I’ve come to the stage of “acceptance,” here are some of the changes I've felt in myself:
- I wish Mom was here but I no longer beg for it - out loud in the shower, or internally.
- I wish I could call Mom but the urge to actually dial has gone away. Looking at her number in my phone still brings feelings of injustice and longing sometimes, though.
- Letting joy and grief exist together and not feeling guilty about it.
- Remembering the events of what happened over in my mind occasionally, especially during important dates and holidays, but not reliving the visceral experience on repeat.
- Rare nightmares about Mom's illness or death.
- Choosing to revisit happy photos and letting go of the sick/dying ones.
If you're reading this and none of it resonates yet, that's ok... it just means you are where you are.
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