When I first met my therapist the year my mom died, I told her about the recurring dreams I was having about Mom. Specifically, I was struggling with not knowing how the dream would end. In the dream, my mom would tell me all the things I'd need to know for the future when she wasn't here. But I'd always wake up before she got to the end.
My therapist suggested it might be valuable to write myself a letter in my mom's voice. She knew how well I knew my mom, and she thought that tapping into what Mom would say, and realizing how well I could do that, might bring me some comfort.
And it did. I've written myself letters from Mom since then, and here I am again, looking for that same comfort. Looking for reassurance that I still know what she'd say, and that she'd be proud of me.
I'm proud of myself for continuing to navigate this life without my mom. But man, I wish she was here to love and support me through it.
Dear Amanda,
Amanda, I am so proud of you. I know becoming a mom was something you wanted for so long, and I wish more than anything that I could be there to watch you experience it all. I wish I could hold Charlee, watch her grow, and see you become the mom I always knew you'd be.
I know motherhood isn't always easy. I know there are so many times you wish you could pick up the phone and ask me a question, get my advice, or just hear me tell you that you're doing a good job. I wish I could be there for those moments, too.
But Amanda, I need you to know that you ARE doing a great job. I know you worry about getting things right because that's just who you are. You care so deeply, and you want to give Charlee the very best of everything. But I want to remind you that you do not have to be a perfect mom. You just have to be her mom and you will be exactly the mom she needs.
I'm proud of you for figuring things out, even when you aren't sure of yourself. I'm proud of you for showing up on the hard days, and for always loving Charlee so deeply.
I know you wish I could be here to share all of this with you. I wish that, too. Watching you become a mom would have been one of the greatest joys of my life.
And Amanda, please remember to give yourself some grace. It's okay to find motherhood hard... I did too. It's okay to be tired, overwhelmed, and unsure... I was too. You don't have to do it all yourself. You can be a wonderful mom and still need a little help sometimes.
Keep going. Keep loving, keep learning, and keep trusting yourself. When things feel hard, remember what I always told you: we'll get through this, too. You don't have to have it all figured out today. Just take it one day at a time.
I'm so proud of you, Amanda. Of the mom you are, the woman you've become, and the person you're still growing into. I hope you can see yourself the way I see you.
I'm always your biggest cheerleader. And if you ever need a little reminder that you're doing a good job, just close your eyes, touch your heart and know it's true... I am still right here with you.
I love you, more. Always.
XOXO,
Mom
P.S. While I was writing this, I asked my husband what he thought my mom would tell me if she could talk to me right now, hoping to hear that he thought she'd be proud of me. Instead, he told me, "She'd tell you that you STILL suck at loading the dishwasher." Hahaha. Thanks, Jeff... you're right, she would. And then he proceeded to tell me that she'd tell me I'm a wonderful Mom to Charlee, that I'm doing an amazing job instilling love and kindness into her, and that she'd be really proud of me. Thanks, Jeffrey, both of these things are what I needed to hear! <3
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