What’s in a picture? Everything.

What’s in a picture? Everything. 

I have a photo widget on my iPhone and it shows me random featured photos every day. I have no idea what the algorithm is, but I love it. A few days ago, the picture below came up and it brought up so many emotions for me. 

In the moment, I thought about how it would make a good blog post, but I was distracted and didn’t write it. But then today it (or a similar duplicate from the same day) popped up again, so here I am, feeling like it is a sign from the universe.

The first day the photo memory came up, I was having a hard day. And all I could remember was how hard the day in the picture had been, too. It was just two days after Mom came home with what was likely a terminal lung cancer diagnosis. We didn’t know exactly how bad it was, but we knew it was bad. But here mom was, playing with and snuggling her two grand babies. Graham was 3.5, and Alice was 9 months.

When I look at this picture (and the video I took around the same moment), I think about everything. How precious that moment was between Gramma and her grandkids. How devastated we all were. How we were trying to distract ourselves with normal activities. How naive we were about how things would turn out, and how soon she’d be gone with no more photos to ever be taken again.

And I feel the aching longing for just one photo of my mom and my baby together. Just one video of them interacting and playing with a toy airplane, like Graham and Mom were here. Just one clip of my daughter saying “Gramma” to her face, in real time. In the flesh.

I am so grateful I have these pictures of my mom as Gramma. They help me imagine her in that role in my life, with my child. But they also stir up sadness. I hope Graham remembers enough for all the grandkids, but that’s a lot to ask of a then-3-year-old.

I miss Mom. I wish she was here. And I hate looking at pictures knowing that the amount I have are all I’ll ever have, for now and forever. I will always wish for more photos and more memories.

Do you have a particular photo that brings up a flood of emotions for you? I’d love to hear in the comments.