"I couldn't do it without my mom"

"I couldn't do it without my mom" or "I don't know what I would have done without my mom". I've heard these words countless times from friends, family, and on motherhood Instagram accounts. They make my heart hurt. So many people say this when they're talking about raising their babies, or just navigating their difficult moments, and I get it... I feel it so deeply.

In fact, my own mom said the same thing about me. She often told me how the early months after my birth were so challenging because I was born with a cleft lip and palate and was difficult to feed. She said her mom had been a godsend, and she didn't know how she would have made it through those early days and months without her. I believe her.

And now, I'm on the other side of it. I imagine what it will be like to bring a newborn into the world (any day now), and I know my mom would have been part of every moment. She'd guide me through all the challenges, the sleepless nights, the tears, and the joy. Even before I knew who I'd actually have a baby with, I knew my mom would be a part of my picture.

But here I am, and she isn't.

I know Mom's love lives within me, and I'm sure there is so much I've unconsciously learned about mothering that I'll be able to draw on when I need it. But, I'm still so sad. I hate that I have to navigate these huge life milestones without her. I feel robbed, because one day she was here, and then suddenly, she was gone. Cancer came so fast, and so did her death. 

I don't actually know how I'll manage... but I have to, and so I will. In the 3.5 years since she died, my internal resilience has surprised me again and again, so I'm sure it'll show up again here, and I'll be ok. I also know I can lean on all of my support people, and we'll get through it. I know I can do it without my mom, but I certainly wish I didn't have to.