Heartfelt Healing: Amanda's Grief Blog

Welcome to the inside of my brain.

I've decided to share my raw and emotional journey through the depths of grief with the world. Why? Because navigating grief is awful, and in my experience, healing comes from sharing heartfelt stories, connecting with other people who understand, and from having grief acknowledged and witnessed by others.

If you are reading this and you have lost someone close to you, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you comfort amid the discomfort.

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Turning Pages Without Her

on October 07, 2025

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"Put Your Mask On First" - The Analogy of Self-Compassion

When we fly, one of the first things we hear is the safety instruction to “put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” It’s pretty straightforward - keep yourself breathing so you're actually able to help someone else. But the meaning goes deeper than just in-flight safety. I think it's a pretty powerful analogy for self-care and self-compassion in everyday life, especially when we're grieving. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about self-compassion. I realized that knowing what "putting your mask on first" actually means can be tricky because it's not always natural to notice when we need compassion. Showing kindness to others feels easy compared to being kind to ourselves. I recently read "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer, and right on the first page, he asks, “Why is it so hard to extend the same kindness to ourselves that many of us gladly offer to others?” Great question, right? He follows up by saying, ...

I Have Big News -- "You Should Be Here"🎵

"Everything's just right, yeah, except for one thing... It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it, And you know that if I had just one wish, It'd be that you didn't have to miss this, You should be here." 🎵 Cole Swindell - You Should Be Here 🎵 This morning, I peed on a stick and approximately 60 seconds later, my jaw dropped. There it was - the little pink line we've been anxiously awaiting for quite awhile now. My first thought was, "holy sh!t!" 😮 My second thought was, "oh my gosh, it's finally happening!" 😃 My third thought was, "I need to call my mom!" 😢 My parents both knew that Jeff and I were trying to start a family years ago, shortly after our wedding, and would question us (jokingly) if we were pregnant yet. I had to tell them to stop asking so that when it actually happened, we would be able to surprise them with the news. My dad laughed and said, "yeah right... the mo...

March 22, 2025: 12 lessons from Mom about being a mom

3 years. 1096 days. 45,744 hours. 2,744,640 minutes. That's how long my heart has been beating since Mom's stopped. Some days the pain still feels as raw as it did the day she died, other days have been easier. Each year, on the anniversary of Mom's death, I've written a bit of a tribute to Mom - the things I've learned since Mom passed away, the things I'd do if I had one more day with Mom, and this year, in the spirit of my current pregnancy, I'd like to share 12 things Mom taught me about being a Mom. 1. Say yes when you can. Mom was a ‘yes mom.’ She always encouraged me to explore, have fun, and embrace new challenges. Even when I knew Mom would prefer to do something else, she said yes when she could. I learned that saying yes, even in small ways, makes a child feel important, deeply heard, and loved. 2. Be patient, even when it’s hard. Mom had an incredible ability to stay calm in tough moments. Whether I was struggling with recovery from surgery, d...

Dear Amanda, Love Mom

A year ago, approaching the anniversary of my Mom's passing, I found myself struggling with a recurring dream. In the dream, Mom would lovingly snuggle my brother and me on the couch and say “OK, here’s everything you need to know about life without me…” And then the dream would end and I’d wake up in a jolt. I was upset and desperate for answers... there was so much left unknown. The brief period between my mom's diagnosis and her passing meant we never broached the topic of her potential death, and I was so unsure of what she might have said to me, if she had known. The dream persisted for weeks, even months, prompting me to bring it up in counselling. When my counsellor asked what I believed my mom would say to me in that moment (at this point, it was around 1 year after her passing), I found myself at a loss for words. However, later that week, I fixed myself a bubble bath, grabbed a pen and paper, and I started writing. I embraced all of what I knew about my mom and what s...

Caught Off Guard

There are moments in grief when I don't know how to navigate the conversation - especially when someone who doesn't know my mom has passed suddenly brings her up. It catches me off guard every time. Tonight was one of those moments. I went for a pedicure with my best friend. The salon was small - in the whole place, it was just the two of us, the lady doing our pedicures, and another woman who had just received her pedicure but stuck around to chat. The other woman mentioned that her daughter was being induced and she'd become a grandmother any day now. Naturally, I shared that I'm pregnant too, and the conversation took off from there. Then came the innocent question, because it was something she had been thinking about for herself a lot, "so what is your mom going to be called? Grandma, Nana, Nanny?" Pause. In the span of two seconds, my brain spun out. Do I tell her my mom died, but she went by Gramma? Do I spare her the awkwardness and change t...