For a long, long time after my mom died, my sleep was affected. As someone who had always considered myself a good sleeper, this was hard. I never used to have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, getting back to sleep once woken, or getting up in the morning and starting my day. But after Mom died, all of that changed.
The hardest part, for me, was waking up (in the middle of the night or in the morning). I woke up and immediately panicked, remembering that my mom had died, and then got stuck reliving the moments of her death.
As you can imagine, missing someone you love so much is so hard. But when you add the inability to sleep well… it just makes everything harder. And once my brain got into that place of reliving the hard moments, I would get stuck in them. I’d run down that path in my mind replaying all of the bad memories and scary moments. I’d revisit what mom looked like and sounded like, I’d remember the fear in her eyes as her death approached, and I’d think about all the same feelings that had been inside my body at that time.
Today, I had one of those same moments waking up startled that my mom had died. Thankfully, the difference now is that I can move through those feelings faster… I don’t get stuck in them for hours.
I imagine these feelings resurfaced because I spent the weekend visiting all my family... without Mom.
Even though it’s been 3.5 years since she died, sometimes I think my brain still tries to trick itself into believing Mom might come back. Then it has to re-remember that she’s really gone. Sometimes that remembering comes through thinking about her final moments, which only brings on more sadness because it pulls me back to the saddest days of my life with the most intense emotions. But maybe that’s my brain’s way of continuing to accept that Mom isn’t coming back?
I missed my mom this holiday weekend. I wish she was here more than anything.
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