The Closet, The Clothes, The Timing: What she left for me to find

A few weeks ago, my dad and I went through the very hard task of sorting through my mom’s clothes. I kept some of the things that remind me most of her to have made into a keepsake teddy or quilt, I kept a few things that I think might fit me, and we donated the rest to a local church.

What a tough experience, though. Even 4 years and a lot of healing later, it was really hard, and really emotional.

I went through her favourite clothes and pictured her so vividly alive and well while wearing them.

I laughed and cried a little adding all the clothes that were once mine to the donate pile - for the second time. I can’t remember exactly when I went from taking my mom’s hand-me-downs to her taking mine.

I quickly dumped the pile of PJs I bought for her near the end into the donate pile, without so much as a second glance. I wasn’t interested in spending time remembering her feeling so unwell that she wanted to stay in PJs all day long, or that she had such a terrible fever that she sweat through multiple outfits a night.

And I sorted through all the clothes we bought together at our marina’s big summer sale the summer before she died. The clothes still had tags on them, symbolizing how much life we all thought she still had left to live.

I had been putting off the task for a long time, because I knew it would be emotionally taxing. But the timing finally felt ok. And I ended up finding a surprise while I was going through her closet: Mom had saved two outfits from when I was a baby, and they are my daughter Charlee’s size right now. It felt like a sign - it was the right time.

The outfits have been sitting on Charlee’s dresser for a couple of weeks, waiting for me to feel ready for the potential emotions that putting her in it stir up for me, and this morning was the day. I’m so grateful that Mom kept these for me. Putting her in them this morning made me think of Mom, my age(ish) putting me in them. I so badly wish Mom got to see Charlee in these clothes. I’m sure it would be an emotional moment for her. 

I miss you, Mom. I think you knew I’d find them when I was ready…