Or Rather, Someone

My 9.5 month old daughter and I are both currently sick, and a friend sent me a text asking if I needed anything. How kind of her!

I thought about it for a moment. And then I realized there was something I needed.

Or rather, someone. My mom.

I have missed my mom when I’m sick since the day she died. There is something about being sick that strips away all the layers of adulthood and independence and leaves you vulnerable, tired, and wanting comfort.

Wanting your mom.

But now that I have my daughter, Charlee, I miss Mom in a completely different way, too.

Because when you’re a parent, there is no calling in sick. Even when your body aches. Even when your head is pounding. Even when all you want is to curl up under a blanket and sleep… your baby still needs you.

And when your baby is sick too? The exhaustion feels endless.

As I sat on my rocking chair, holding my sick little girl, I found myself imagining my mom in the room with us.

I could picture her so clearly.

She would take Charlee from my arms and tell me to go lie down for a bit. She would make dinner for me and for Charlee. She would clean up the dishes. She would straighten up the house without being asked.

And then, because she was my mom, she wouldn’t just leave after helping for a few hours. She’d stay. She’d sleep over if I needed her to. And if I still wasn’t feeling well the next day, she’d do it all over again.

When she finally went home, she’d be checking in on me.

“How are you feeling now?”

“Did you get some rest?”

“Do you need anything?”

I miss that. I miss being checked on. Even as an adult. Because no matter how old we get, there is something uniquely comforting about knowing there is someone in the world whose instinct is to take care of you. Someone who notices when you’re not feeling well. Someone who worries. Someone who calls. Someone who shows up.

The grief is real in moments like these. And not because I can’t manage, because I can and I do.

Sometimes grief is about knowing exactly what we’re missing. When I’m sick, what I’m missing is my mom.