We Bereaved Are Not Alone

Grief is grief is grief. The pain of losing a spouse, parent, grandparent, friend, or child is not quantifiable or comparable; each form of grief is uniquely challenging. This realization became evident to me after losing my mom, and it reinforced the importance of acknowledging and honouring all forms of grief, irrespective of age or relationship.

However, when you're looking for other people to share experiences with, there's something pretty empowering about finding others who are walking a similar journey to yours. 

A couple of months after my mom died, I sought connection by joining a closed 9-week parental loss grief group. "Closed" meant that the participants stayed the same each week, which helps to establish strong connections. The group was offered by a local charity providing bereavement services, and it was recommended by the social worker at the hospital my mom was treated in. The group was led by a compassionate grief counsellor, and it had 7 participants ranging from 29 (me) to 60 years old, each grappling with different causes of death of their mom or dad. Despite the diversity in our experiences, the shared emotions and struggles created a supportive environment where I felt heard and understood. It was so helpful that I recommended it to a friend who lost her dad within weeks of me losing my mom, and I also suggested that my dad join the spousal loss group led by the same counsellor.

While this group provided value, I still really longed to talk to other people who were walking a more similar journey as mine. As a young woman navigating the complexities of adulthood, marriage, and the anticipation of starting a family, I longed to connect with others in a similar life stage who had lost their mothers. Recognizing this unique need, the counsellor promised to facilitate a connection for me, if the opportunity arose.

True to her word, a little over a year after completing the group, the counsellor reached out to me asking if I'd be interested in participating in a "young women parent loss grief group" pilot program the charity was trying out for the first time - YES, sign me up! A short while later, I was connected with 4 other young women between the ages of 25 and 32, all who had a close relationship to their mom who had died of cancer within the past 2 years. All the criteria of what I was so desperately longing for! I found "my people"!

The girls and I have been connected virtually for the past few months, and I am so incredibly grateful. While acknowledging the unfortunate reality of belonging to a club none of us wished to join, the shared experiences we have helps to ease the loneliness of grief. 

Over the recent holidays, we connected in person for the first time (and it was lovely)! The holidays can be an exceptionally hard time in grief, but mourning together can be helpful. Dr. Alan Wolfelt captures it pretty well:

 

 

"We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world - the company of those who have known suffering." - Helen Keller

The winter holidays can be so hard for us grievers. They're all about getting together with the people you love and celebrating, celebrating, celebrating. But someone we love isn't here to get together with. And in the middle of an otherwise merry group, we can feel out of place and somehow even loneliner.

But we bereaved are not alone. Many others are suffering, too. Let's get together and talk about our grief. Instead of celebrating, let's mourn together.

Today, start just one conversation with someone else you know who might be silently grieving and see what happens. Defenses crumble. Walls come down. Mutual healing happens. If we reach out and actively mourn, the holidays can be for healing just as much for celebrating.

I am not alone in my grief. I will reach out to another grieving person.

-Dr. Alan Wolfelt, "Grief, One Day at a Time"