I Have Big News -- "You Should Be Here"🎵

 

"Everything's just right, yeah, except for one thing... 

It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it,

And you know that if I had just one wish,

It'd be that you didn't have to miss this,

You should be here."

🎵Cole Swindell - You Should Be Here 🎵

This morning, I peed on a stick and approximately 60 seconds later, my jaw dropped. There it was - the little pink line we've been anxiously awaiting for quite awhile now. 

My first thought was, "holy sh!t!" 😮

My second thought was, "oh my gosh, it's finally happening!" 😃

My third thought was, "I need to call my mom!" 😢

My parents both knew that Jeff and I were trying to start a family years ago, shortly after our wedding, and would question us (jokingly) if we were pregnant yet. I had to tell them to stop asking so that when it actually happened, we would be able to surprise them with the news. My dad laughed and said, "yeah right... the moment you pee on a stick, you'll be calling your mother,” and he was right. I knew that Jeff and I would want to come up with some cute and clever way to tell my mom and dad once we had achieved pregnancy, but the reality is, I wouldn't have been able to keep this gigantic secret a secret - I would have wanted to tell my mom instantly.

I’ve always imagined what it would be like to tell Mom I was pregnant. I can picture her reaction so vividly - her smile, her happy tears, and the way she’d immediately start planning how to spoil her newest grandchild. I can even hear her voice assuring me, “You’re going to be an incredible mom.”

And here we are... I have the most amazing news that we've been waiting almost 4 years for, and the moment is bittersweet. Because the person I want to tell the most - the person who should be here - isn't.

In the early days after Mom died, I found myself writing a poem, trying to imagine the words she might say to me if she could. The words ended up becoming the back of her memorial card. One verse, in particular, was written with this exact moment in mind:

On the best days of your life with news to share,
If you find yourself wishing I was there,
Just touch your heart and know it's true,
I am still right here with you.

I can place my hand on my heart and know that her love is still with me, but it's not the same. It will never be the same. Because she should be here.

Mom, I know you're not here, but I promise to carry your love forward, and to teach my child all that you've taught me. I will share your stories and they will know how amazing you are. I wish more than anything that you could be here, but I promise to hold you close in the only way I know how - right here in my heart.

____________________________________________________________________________

A draft of this post was written in June 2024, which was the first time I tested positive for pregnancy. A short while later, I miscarried, and we were absolutely devastated. In December, I was grateful to test positive again, but it was a different experience that time. I still had the same first three thoughts, but my fourth thought was different: What if it happens again? 

That mixture of joy and fear shaped the early weeks of this pregnancy. But today, with cautious optimism, I'm excited to share that we are holding onto hope for a healthy baby this August. This journey has been one of heartbreak, resilience, and gratitude, and I'm trying to learn to embrace the beauty in the uncertainty. 

To anyone else who's navigating joy and grief at the same time: you're not alone.

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