The Begging, the Questions, and the Overwhelming Emotions...

"Please don’t go. Why you, Mom? You’ve got a heart of gold and a faith as limitless as the sky. You’ve lived a life of compassion and kindness. You’ve been the best at everything you’ve done - motherhood, marriage, friendship and everything in between. You shouldn’t have cancer. You shouldn’t be deteriorating with each second. You shouldn’t be dying […] Why you? Why now? Why this way? Why, Mom? Why? You simply cannot go. You cannot leave like this. You cannot leave at all. You’re my mother, my best friend, my everything. Oh, Mom. I wish you could wake up again, even if only for a moment. I know I’m an adult, but I still need you, and right now I need you to tell me things will be okay. I need you to tell me that, Mom. Can you? Can you please tell me things will be OK? I’m so mad. I’m so scared. I’m so sad. I’m so confused. I’m so useless, unable to change your fate. I’m so weak, unable to find any kind of strength or hope in this moment. I need a miracle. We need a miracle. And it’s not coming. I know this is it, and yet here I am, still trying so desperately to change things. I’m so sorry, Mom. You don’t deserve this. None of it. You don’t deserve death or the disease that led you here. You don’t deserve to go so soon and so young." Chelsea Ohlemiller, Now That She's Gone, Page 125-126.

 

I wrote a blog post a couple months ago about my anticipation of Chlsea Ohlemiller's book. I've finally received it, and it absolutely did not disappoint! I plan to share several excerpts from her book, as she articulates so many elements of my story so well. The quote above perfectly captures the begging, the questions, and the overwhelming emotions I felt while my mom was dying.

The Begging 

I begged a lot around the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and then died from it. I begged that the doctors were wrong, that it wasn’t really cancer. I begged that if it was, the tests and appointments would move quickly, and they’d discover it in time. I begged that Mom would be the exception to the stage 4 lung cancer stories you always hear. I begged Mom to eat more, to be stronger, to fight harder. I begged the doctors to make an exception for the clinical trial she was excluded from. I begged the doctors to try something—anything—else, to not give up. I begged Mom to wake up so she could tell me she loved me one more time. I begged for Mom to come back. I begged the universe to let this be a terrible nightmare I could wake up from.

The Questions: The Unanswerable Whys

Chelsea articulates the "why"s so well in this quote. Why my beautiful mom who lived a life of compassion and kindness? Why MY mom? Why now? Why this way? Why so soon? Why did it happen to her - to us? She didn't deserve to go so soon and so young. I didn't deserve to lose my mom so soon and so young.

The Overwhelming Emotions

"I'm so mad. I'm so scared. I'm so sad. I'm so confused. I'm so useless, unable to change your fate. I'm so weak, unable to find any kind of strength or hope in this moment." The emotions expressed here are really just the tip of the iceberg - anger, fear, sadness, confusion, helplessness, hopelessness, weakness. Cancer and death can do that to you - and to your loved ones. It can steal all the 'good' feelings and replace them with the above-mentioned hard ones.

It's almost been 2.5 years since my mom passed, and yet the begging, the questions, and the overwhelming emotions haven't gone away. Chelsea's words capture these raw moments so perfectly. There's no timeline for when these feelings fade, no clear resolution. I still find myself begging for one more moment, asking those same "why" questions, and feeling anger, sadness, and confusion. Grief doesn't follow a straight path - it's a winding road, full of highs and lows, and the emotions come in waves, even years later.

The waves of grief remind me that while my mom isn't here in the way I desperately want her to be, she's still with me, shaping my life and my heart in ways that will last forever.

P.S. If you want to buy a copy of Chelsea's book, you can order it here.

P.P.S.  If my blog posts resonate with you, or if you don't want to miss a post, feel free to subscribe! You may subscribe from the home page of my blog.