Anyone who’s ever lost anyone significant has probably had the experience of well-meaning people saying something that doesn't feel comforting at all. I definitely have - over and over again.
Just this weekend, an acquaintance kindly put his hand on my shoulder and said, "I learned about your mom. I'm so sorry." I replied “Thank you, it sucks.” Then he added, “I know it’s hard, but you’re lucky you still have one parent.” Ugh. Stab. My. Heart.
After that comment, he reminded me that he’s in his 60s and both of his parents have passed away. I know what he meant - he misses his parents, and he probably wishes he still had at least one of them. I'm emotionally mature enough to get that, and I know he's a kind, considerate person. But still, it didn't make the comment hurt any less in that moment.
I don't feel lucky at all. In fact, I feel the opposite of lucky. The young woman who loses their mom in her 20's... that's something that happens in sad, tragic movies - not real life. Not to me. But it did. And I feel so unlucky to be the one that it happened to. Yes, I'm grateful to still have my dad, but to call myself "lucky"? I just can't.
I'm grateful that I had a mom I love and miss so much that even 2.5 years later, a comment like this cuts straight to the heart.
I'm grateful that my mom was such a loving, caring, grounding, supportive presence in my life.
I'm grateful that I have my dad who's still here and who loves and cares for me.
Grateful, yes. Lucky, no.
If there's one takeaway from this, it's to be mindful of the words you choose when speaking to someone who's grieving. Even the best intentions can sometimes land in the wrong way, unintentionally.
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