Shove down the feelings

I’ve been really good at honouring my grief thoughts and feelings when they show up, but sometimes, I just can’t.

This week, a very good friend of my very good friend’s mom died, and the details of how it unfolded are very similar to the way my mom died. And when I heard, something in my brain cracked open and I was right there in those last days with my mom again.

And it hit me in the middle of the night, of course. When everything is quiet and still. 

But here’s the thing… I couldn’t go there. Not in that moment. Not when the baby might wake up at any moment and I’m desperate for every minute of sleep, I can’t do it. I have to block my thoughts out… shove them away. Not forever, and not because I don’t care. But because sometimes survival wins out over processing.

Sometimes you have to shove down the feelings because your body needs sleep more than your heart needs expression. And I know I’m not doing grief wrong… I’m just human. I told myself “not right now… maybe later”, and fell back to sleep, and that’s okay.