Resentment

I’ve recently realized that I carry a lot of resentment towards people in my life, ever since my mom died. More than I care to admit.

When Mom died, my whole world turned upside down. But alongside that feeling of devastation, I learned a lesson… a lesson that came with losing someone “too young”.

It’s that feeling where you suddenly really understand that life is fragile, age doesn’t necessarily dictate a schedule for death, and that your life could end at any moment. And if you’re lucky enough to still be here, you shouldn’t waste it. 

I used to feel intense jealousy when I saw mothers and adult daughters spending time together, but then those feelings shifted to gratitude that they weren’t wasting precious time with each other. That was time that I wished for, and if I could do it all over, I wouldn’t have wasted it either. 

Since losing my mom, I’ve felt frustrated (sometimes REALLY frustrated) at the people in my life who aren’t recognizing what a gift it is to be alive. For example:

When they miss important doctor check ups.

When they avoid taking care of their body.

When they let petty arguments drag on.

When they don’t see the importance of spending time with families, and prefer the television.

All I can think about is “how could you? You know my mom died and you’re still not showing up?!” 

Under my frustration is really just how much I miss my mom. I miss how much she modelled the importance of taking care of your physical and mental health, and showing up for your family in both big and small moments. I miss the way she never said no to an opportunity to spend time with me, or the rest of our family. 

I wish that everyone carried that same lesson Mom’s death forced me to learn. I don’t wish the pain I felt on anyone, but I do wish the lesson upon everyone. 

I don’t want to get stuck in this feeling of resentment, because it sucks too much of my positive energy. So here I am - acknowledging it, writing about it, and then hopefully letting it go.