When Everyday Feels like a "First"

When someone you deeply love dies, everyone warns you that all the "firsts" are hard. Their first birthday, your first birthday, the first Mother's day, the first Christmas, the first death anniversary, and other big first holidays or milestones. And it's true, those things are really hard. But do you know what else is really hard? All the hidden hurts within the somewhat insignificant moments of life that nobody can prepare you for.

Here's a glimpse into some of the ordinary moments that were/are profoundly challenging in my grief journey:

1. Catching a cold: Every time I catch a cold I miss my mom's texts and calls asking how I'm feeling or if I need anything.
   
2. Driving Alone: Getting in the car and being alone with my thoughts and longing to call Mom made me cry for months - Every. Single. Time.
3. Walking the dog: After Mom died, I felt so lonely while walking Millie, even if I distracted myself by listening to music or calling someone else.
4. Work Woes: Having a miserable day at work and wishing I could vent about it to the one person who always gave me an unconditional listening ear.
   
5. Retail Wins: Getting a great deal on something at the store and thinking "I need to tell Mom" and then remembering I can't.
   
6. Household Victories: Cleaning a tiny part of my house, feeling good about it, and then wishing I could text my mom so that she could send me a big "WAY TO GO!" with emojis.
   
7. Unexpected Anger: Seeing 2 old people driving in a car next to me, and then feeling anger because the thought passes through my mind that I'm never going to know what Mom looked like 'old'.
   
8. Watching TV: Something big happening in one of our mutual favourite shows, and then my heart sinking because I know Mom will never know about this revelation, and she’d be sad she missed it.
9. Social Media Memories: Seeing a memory pop up with "Lee Ann Sembay-Lizon likes this" and knowing she'll never "like" anything I post ever again.
   
10. Phone Favourites: Wincing with sadness every time I open my “favourite” contacts, seeing my mom’s contact, and knowing I can never call it again. 
11. Familiar Scents/Tastes: The scent of McDonald's fries or the taste of Wendy's chocolate Frosty's... and avoiding them because they were my mom's guilty pleasures and make me miss her secret love for them so much.
    
12. Gmail’s suggested “to”s: Heartbreak when I type a family email to “Dad”, “Chris”, “Jenn”, and “Jeff” and Gmail suggests to “add ‘Mom’”, feeling like a slap in the face. 

This list merely scratches the surface. For a long time, every day felt like a 'first'. Some of these seemingly 'insignificant' moments are surprisingly shocking and have been profoundly debilitating. It’s so hard to explain the impact of the debilitation; It's one thing to describe that I miss my Mom on Mother's Day, but bawling my eyes out in No Frills because I can't call my mom for advice on the best price for boneless skinless chicken breast - that's hard to explain.

If you've lost someone you love deeply, too, I invite you to comment to share your reflections on the 'insignificant' moments that made you miss them. Sharing heartfelt stories can be healing 💗

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