Fear

Before my mom passed away, I believed in the natural order of life; one should be old when they die, grandparents should pass before parents, and parents should pass before children. With my 83-year old grandfather still alive and my husband's grandmother thriving at the age of 97, the idea of losing a parent had never crossed my mind. Even when a close friend lost her dad, it seemed like a tragedy that only happened to others, not something that could touch my life.

But then, everything changed. First, it was my mom. Then my closest aunt, and then a friend at just 40 years old. Suddenly, the reality of life's fragility hit me like a ton of bricks. I found myself worrying about "who's next?" and became hyper aware of life's ticking clock. Concerns about the health of my loved ones consumed me, and I even began to question my own well-being. I booked myself an appointment with my doctor to see if there were any precautionary tests I could do, since after all, Mom had seemed healthy until she wasn't.

I understand that death is inevitable, it just hadn't been something I thought much about before, and it sparked fear in me for my future. Thoughts of having my own child made me anxious, knowing that one day I would die too, and they would suffer from losing their mom.

Even innocent remarks from friends triggered a series of morbid thoughts in my mind. During a casual dinner, a friend was talking about work, and she said "If I'm still here..." My mind immediately jumped to the the chilling possibility of her not being alive, when all she meant was if she hadn't moved on to a new job.

Fear crept into other places, too. As I immersed myself in grief work after my mom died, the temporary nature of community resources left me feeling anxious. The thought of losing that support, even after finding more permanent assistance, weighed heavily on me.

Death is scary. But I've come to realize that my mom's passing has left me with a constant reminder that life is precious. I must embrace each moment with gratitude and cherish the relationships that bring meaning to my life. I am reminded daily by a piece of artwork in my room, with its simple yet profound message: "LIVE fully, CREATE happiness, IMAGINE peace, LAUGH often, HOPE more, INSPIRE change, LOVE always." I am encouraged to live each day with courage, purpose, and compassion.

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