“Why do all grandmas die?”: Reflections from a conversation with a 6-year-old

Grief shows up in some of the most unexpected moments through the unfiltered lenses of children. A few days ago I was talking with my 6-year-old nephew and I mentioned my “baba.” He asked "what's a baba?" I explained to him that baba is another word for grandma, so my baba is my grandma. With pure innocence, he asked, "did your grandma also die like my grandma?” I confirmed that she did. He said “my mom’s grandma died too." His grandma (mine and my brother's mom) died 2 years ago, his mom's grandma died 6 weeks ago, and one of his friends' grandmas died in the past few months. All of his recent losses of grandmas feel like they set the stage for his next question, which was a big one: “why do all grandmas die?" 

Doesn't that question echo the sentiment of everyone who struggles with loss? I didn't know how to answer. Neither did his mom. Obviously, the answer is that everyone will die, not just grandmas, but how do you explain the inevitability of loss without shattering him? I am 31 and I know that this is fact, but I've still been struggling with "why" a lot lately. Why did Mom die? Why did she die so young? Why did my grandma die young? Why did Baba die - without any warning or illness. Why did my auntie die so young? Why did my friend just die at age 40? Why do some people live a long life and some people don’t? WHY?

I know I replied something to my nephew, but I really don’t remember what I said. After I answered, he went right back into what he was doing and seemed content. That's the thing about kids. It's not to say he will never have the thought again, because I'm sure he will, but the big thoughts/emotions/questions leave as quickly as they come. My counsellor told me that there’s a metaphor for children grieving, and it’s like “puddle jumping”. Essentially, you can picture grief like a puddle of sad thoughts and feelings. The child jumps into the puddle when a sad thought or feeling comes up, but they can't cope with the sad feeling for too long, so they jump right out and back into their activity.

 

In a society that doesn't talk enough about death and dying, it's refreshing that it's socially acceptable for children to verbalize all of their thoughts.The bluntness of their questions is challenging, but there is some beauty in grief through a child's eyes: the unapologetic simplicity, the honesty, and the fearless pursuit of understanding. Children ask the questions that we, as adults, dare not.

 

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