Bittersweet Birthdays

I love birthdays - mine and everyone else's. I make a point to remember others' birthdays because I believe they are the perfect opportunity to celebrate life and remind people that they are special and appreciated.

My parents always made our family’s birthdays special. For my birthday, I was always spoiled with a thoughtful card, a heartfelt social media post about how proud they were of me, a gift I wanted, dinner of my choice, and a delicious pie or cake. The tradition, the love, and the effort they put into making my birthday special made it a day I always looked forward to.

Today, I turn 32, and celebrating the day I was born without the woman who gave birth to me is a challenge. This is my third birthday since my mom died, and it’s still hard. The first one, just two months after Mom's death, was my 30th. It felt like such a big milestone, and despite how much I loved birthdays, I didn’t want to celebrate it without my mom. My loving husband threw me an incredible surprise party with all the people I love the most, yet the day still felt incredibly lonely because I missed my mom so much.

Birthdays will never be the same without my mom, but they are still a celebration of life - both hers and mine. I'm honouring her memory by cherishing all the amazing moments she and Dad created for me. By embracing the emotions that come with these memories, I am allowing myself to feel both the happiness and the sadness. Leaning on my support system has been incredibly important: my husband, my dad, my brother and sister-in-law, my friends, my grief group, and my counsellor.

This year, as I mark another birthday without Mom, I choose to focus on gratitude. I am grateful for the 29 birthdays I spent with her, for all the love and joy she brought into my life, and for the memories and birthday messages that bring me comfort. Birthdays will likely be bittersweet forever - a reminder of my mom’s absence but also a celebration of my journey. A blend of tears and smiles, loss and love.

If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced a similar loss, know that you’re not alone. Birthdays and other significant days can be incredibly hard, but there are ways to find joy and comfort amidst the grief.