Never Say Goodbye

Spoiler Alert! If you're a fan of the show Chicago Fire, please note that this blog post contains a season 12 finale spoiler. This blog post is also named after the finale’s title (season 12 episode 13).

"There are people you say goodbye to. And people you can never say goodbye to. Because they've become too much a part of who you are. They've shaped you, trained you... taught you everything you know." - Stella Kidd

This line wasn't spoken by a real person - it's from a character in a TV show. It's not about her mother, but her boss, and it's not about death, but a promotion. Yet it resonates deeply with my journey of losing my mom. I rewound the scene twice to listen to it, and then once more to write it down because it struck a chord within me. 

Saying goodbye to someone you love and cherish so deeply is impossible. I was with my mom as she passed away, and there's absolutely nothing that could have prepared me. No amount of time would have been enough, and no amount of words, hugs, or hand squeezes would have made it feel okay. There was literally no way I could have said goodbye in a way that felt right because my mom raised me, shaped me, and taught me everything I know. She was and is so much a part of who I am.

My mom and I were both huge fans of the One Chicago series - Chicago Med, Chicago Fire, and Chicago PD. I began watching all three during COVID, and I immediately knew Mom would love them too. She began watching shortly after me, and I was right; she loved them. After Mom died, I didn't think I'd ever be able to watch them again because they were such a painful reminder that she's not here to watch with me, and it's still hard.

As I continue to follow the characters and their stories, I do so for both of us. Each episode reminds me of her, and though I can't watch them with her physically, I carry her memory with me, finding comfort in the connection we shared through these shows.

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