Trauma

**Trigger Warning: I detail the moments of my Mom's death in this blog post**

According to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), "trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event."

I wasn't sure I'd ever write a blog post about this topic but I've decided that it's an important part of my grief and healing journey, so here I am. As an important note, I have never been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and I am not self-diagnosing by writing about it in this post. However, I do feel the need to express that I have experienced a good handful of the symptoms described below after witnessing my Mom's death.

 CAMH's list of common symptoms of PTSD:  

• re-experiencing the traumatic event over and over
• having recurring nightmares
• experiencing unwanted, disturbing memories of the event
• acting or feeling as if the event is happening again
• feeling upset when reminded of the event
• staying away from activities, places or people that are reminders of the traumatic experience
• avoiding friends and family
• constantly worrying
• having a hard time concentrating
• getting angry easily
• having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• experiencing sudden attacks of dizziness, fast heartbeat or shortness of breath
• having fears of dying
• losing interest in activities that used to be enjoyable
• experiencing difficulty having loving feelings
• being unable to feel pleasure
• fearing harm from others
  

Many people who have lost someone important to them deeply wish they could have been there to say a final goodbye, so I am grateful that I was present for Mom's final moments. I know that if I wasn't there, I would have wanted to be. However, witnessing my Mom's death was incredibly challenging, and it is an event I describe as "traumatic". 

At the end, the doctors indicated that there was nothing they could do to save Mom. The medicine wasn't working, and the cancer was too aggressive. The cancer had fully taken over Mom's lungs and other organs. She was hooked up to a ventilator that was doing 100% of the work breathing for her, and Mom's heart, with the support of intense medication, was working very, very hard to continue beating. Her heart could not withstand the pressure anymore, and the blood pressure medicine she was receiving was maxed out.

We spent the night with Mom, talking to her, holding her hand, and wishing there was anything in the world that could change what was happening to her - to all of us. When we, as a family, agreed that it was time to let Mom pass into her next life, the doctors muted the sound on all of the monitors, and then stopped the continuous blood pressure medicine.

I was giving my Mom a hug when I felt her heart beat its last beat. 

I heard the gurgle of her lungs as they emptied for the last time. 

I felt her body turn cold. 

I witnessed her skin change colour.

I felt, saw, and heard my mom die in my arms.

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I was haunted by nightmares about my mom's death for a really long time. I experienced unwanted, disturbing memories of that day, and I often felt like I was back in the moment it happened all over again. When the memories washed over me, it was almost impossible to function. I had a very hard time getting unstuck from the flashback and being able to concentrate.

For me, talking about what I experienced and witnessed that day, and in the weeks and days leading up to it, allowed me to process some of the feelings. Eventually, the nightmares stopped. Eventually, I could talk about what happened without bawling my eyes out. Eventually, I could remember what happened without reliving what happened.

There are specific types of therapy out there that help with traumatic memories, and I would have explored them if talk-therapy wasn't helpful. If you're experiencing something similar, know that you are not alone, and there are people and resources out there to help you through it.