Today is Mom's birthday and she would have turned 60 years old.
On Mom's first birthday after she passed away, I knew I wanted to do something special to honour her. It was important to me that my (then 4-year-old) nephew and the rest of the family were part of it, and I'm grateful that this has become a cherished tradition: gathering at Mom's favourite place - the houseboat - and decorating cupcakes in her memory.
This past Saturday, we continued the tradition. Graham and I have been decorating cupcakes together for three years now, and this year, Alice was old enough to fully join in on the fun. As we added colourful icing and an abundance of sprinkles, we talked about Gramma. We had fun, but it was hard not to think about how much Mom would have loved being part of the fun too.
It
means a lot to me that Graham remembers Gramma so fondly, and that he
gets excited to decorate the cupcakes in her honour. The first thing he
said to me Saturday morning was "It's Gramma day! It's cupcake day!" and he rushed through breakfast so that we could get started.
After dinner, Graham asked if we could eat the cupcakes for dessert. He wanted us to put candles in each of them and then sing to Gramma. So, we got out the candles, lit them, and I asked Graham to start us off. I shed a mix of happy and heartbroken tears - happy because it was so touching that my six-year-old nephew wanted to sing for Gramma even though she's not here, and heartbroken because she should be here.
I hate that we had to celebrate Mom's memory instead of her presence. I hate that we had to blow out her candles for her because she's not here to blow them out herself. I hate that this is already the 3rd birthday she's missed. I hate that instead of having Mom beside me, I had a collage of photos in a frame beside me. I hate that this birthday, which should have been a milestone 60th with a surprise party, ended with me shedding tears.
I miss my mom so much, and there are so many emotions that surface every day when I think about the fact that she's no longer here. But I do find it important to find new ways to honour her, to remember her, and to create space for talking about her. Each year, this tradition helps me to connect with my family about Mom/Gramma, to keep her spirit alive in our hearts, to celebrate her life, and to honour the love she gave us.
Happy 60th birthday, Mom. We love you, we miss you, and we will continue to celebrate you always.
Here are some photos of Mom celebrating her birthday at the houseboat over the years.
I've decorated cupcakes to spell "Mom" every year.
Here's a photo of our family celebrating Mom's birthday this year. Each of us lit a candle for her.
Love this ❤️
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