She will always be my favourite

Mom… the kindest, most loving, caring, strong, supportive, smart, funny, courageous, generous, and beautiful person. My biggest supporter, my advocate, my punching bag, my cheerleader, my friend… my favourite.

After Mom died, I had a really hard time going to my “Favourites” in my iPhone phone app. Her name was at the top, and every time I saw it, I’d cry. I wanted to press dial so badly - I begged the universe to let me talk to her again. But I couldn't. The ache of that realization was unbearable for a very long time.

In those early days, I brought it up in counselling. I told my counsellor that seeing her name hurt so much that I thought about deleting it. But I couldn’t. My counsellor gently reminded me that deleting her name didn’t mean deleting her place in my heart. It made sense, but I still couldn't do it, despite the pain that it brought me every time I saw it.

Now, years later, her name is still there. Some days, I open my favourites and call someone else without even noticing. Other days, I’m jolted by the sight of it, as if it’s a fresh reminder of her absence. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ready to let it go. Maybe I don’t need to.

But here's what I do know: A Favourites contact list might change, but Mom's place in my heart is permanent. She's not just a contact in my phone; she's my favourite person, always and forever. 

  

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