There’s something about the holidays that feels heavier after loss, isn’t there? While everyone else is caught up in the lights and holiday cheer, grief has a way of sneaking in and staying with you. For me, it’s especially tough at Christmas.
Mom had a way of making Christmastime magical in ways that went far beyond decorations or gifts. It was in her warmth, her laughter, and the small traditions she made special.
Since her passing, the holidays haven’t felt the same. We try to carry on her traditions, but there’s an undeniable void. Grief, always present, feels magnified this time of year. As much as I try to focus on the good memories, there are moments when it’s hard not to feel the deep pain of her absence.
This year, I added a new ornament to our tree. It’s simple but meaningful: “Your wings were ready, but our hearts were not.” Every time I see it, it reminds me that even though she’s no longer here, she’s still such a big part of our Christmas. It joins another ornament I hold close to my heart - one I also gave to my dad, brother, niece, and nephew last year. It says, “Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed, and very dear.” These small reminders help a little, but they don't fill the empty space she leaves behind.
There are moments during the holidays when I feel her presence the most. This year, as I unpacked my childhood ornaments and saw Mom’s writing on the back of them, it brought a smile and a lump in my throat. Or when I shopped at the same stores we visited together for her last Christmas, the memories came flooding back. Those moments are bittersweet - a mix of joy in remembering her and heartache in missing her.
If you’re feeling the weight of loss this holiday season, you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel the sadness, to cry when a Christmas memory catches you off guard or when you’re missing them so much it feels impossible to celebrate. But I’ve also learned that it’s okay to smile, to laugh, to let the memories bring warmth instead of just tears, even if only for a moment. Grief and joy can coexist, even when it feels like they shouldn’t.
For me, the magic of Christmas is forever intertwined with the magic of Mom. And though grief adds its complexities, I’ll keep hanging the ornaments, buying and giving the gifts, and singing the songs - because that’s how I honour the magic she brought to my life, at Christmas and always.
If you’re navigating grief during the holidays, I hope you can find small ways to honour your loved ones too. Light a candle, hang an ornament, share a favorite story. They may not be here in the way we want, but they’re with us still, in the love they gave and the memories they left behind.
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