Mom's Outlook on Death - "Beat You There" by Will Dempsey 🎵

“I don't know why God always takes the good ones first
And man, I've tried to be strong and carry on, but damn, this hurts
And I just wish that I could talk to you again somehow, someway
Even if it's for a moment, so I can hear you say

 

Don't cry for me, I'm alright
I'm better than you know
And this life can be a short ride
So don't waste it on sorrow
And just hold on to those moments
And the memories we shared
We're both headed for the same place anyway
I just beat you there

 

I know they say, "Just give it a little time, you'll be okay"
That might be true, but it don't really help me today
And we ain't supposed to question the man upstairs
There's just so much I don't understand, it just don't seem fair

 

And as each day goes by, I get a little bit stronger
But that don't stop me from wishing you were here a little bit longer
Whoa, oh, oh

 

So I'm gonna smile when I think of you
Like I know you'd want me to
And I know you're watching over me in everything I do

And all those things I never got to say
Well, I'll send 'em with this prayer
Then look up, wipe my tears and raise my beer, mm
And I'll see you there

And I'll see you there
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh”

 

🎵Beat You There, Will Dempsey🎵

 

Whenever someone recommends a new song with a grief theme for me to listen to, I always take an initial listen to see what feelings it invokes from me, and then listen many more times, and see what other feelings show up. This one invoked many feelings, so I had to decide which one to specifically choose to focus on for this post.

 

My initial thinking was I really hope this is what Mom would say to me now. Something I've had to really work through in my grief journey has been remembering Mom's final-moment-cries of "I don't want to die, I don't want to die". The idea that Mom hadn't come to any sort of acceptance of her death, that she didn't have any comfort in 'heaven' or what was (maybe) next, and seeing and hearing those looks of fear have truly haunted me.

 

If I can get to a place of believing that Mom is okay "up there" or wherever, and that she’s alright, I think I could let go of some of the pain that still haunts me.

Maybe songs like this are a little gift… a reminder that while the end was full of fear, maybe the after isn’t. Maybe there is peace now. Maybe she is better than I know.

I want to believe she’s okay. I want to believe she’d say, “Don’t cry for me, I’m alright.”

Some days I do. Some days I can’t. And maybe that’s what grief is - holding both.

And maybe, just maybe, she did beat me there, and one day, I’ll see her again.