Heartfelt Healing: Amanda's Grief Blog

Welcome to the inside of my brain.

I've decided to share my raw and emotional journey through the depths of grief with the world. Why? Because navigating grief is awful, and in my experience, healing comes from sharing heartfelt stories, connecting with other people who understand, and from having grief acknowledged and witnessed by others.

If you are reading this and you have lost someone close to you, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you comfort amid the discomfort.

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When Everyday Feels like a "First"

- January 31, 2024

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Dear Mom, Love Amanda

- January 27, 2024

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Dear Amanda, Love Mom

- January 26, 2024

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A Tropical Tribute in Costa Rica

- January 25, 2024

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My Anchor

- January 22, 2024

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22 Months, 22 Memories, on the 22nd

- January 22, 2024

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"I Am Still Right Here With You"

- January 18, 2024

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Dear Amanda, Love Mom

A year ago, approaching the anniversary of my Mom's passing, I found myself struggling with a recurring dream. In the dream, Mom would lovingly snuggle my brother and me on the couch and say “OK, here’s everything you need to know about life without me…” And then the dream would end and I’d wake up in a jolt. I was upset and desperate for answers... there was so much left unknown. The brief period between my mom's diagnosis and her passing meant we never broached the topic of her potential death, and I was so unsure of what she might have said to me, if she had known. The dream persisted for weeks, even months, prompting me to bring it up in counselling. When my counsellor asked what I believed my mom would say to me in that moment (at this point, it was around 1 year after her passing), I found myself at a loss for words. However, later that week, I fixed myself a bubble bath, grabbed a pen and paper, and I started writing. I embraced all of what I knew about my mom and what s...

"Put Your Mask On First" - The Analogy of Self-Compassion

When we fly, one of the first things we hear is the safety instruction to “put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” It’s pretty straightforward - keep yourself breathing so you're actually able to help someone else. But the meaning goes deeper than just in-flight safety. I think it's a pretty powerful analogy for self-care and self-compassion in everyday life, especially when we're grieving. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about self-compassion. I realized that knowing what "putting your mask on first" actually means can be tricky because it's not always natural to notice when we need compassion. Showing kindness to others feels easy compared to being kind to ourselves. I recently read "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher Germer, and right on the first page, he asks, “Why is it so hard to extend the same kindness to ourselves that many of us gladly offer to others?” Great question, right? He follows up by saying, ...

Diagnosis Day

Welcome to my first blog entry. It was really hard to decide where to start - because I have a zillion thoughts when it comes to grief and my emotions - however, today is January 13th, 2024, and it was 2 years ago, to this day, that my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Diagnosis Day feels like an appropriate place to begin, considering this is the true beginning of my grief. Mom was experiencing a fever on-and-off since the beginning of October; she figured she had contracted a sinus infection (as she often did). But after a few trips to the doctor and a couple rounds of antibiotics, she was still experiencing the same symptoms and didn't have any answers. In December, after 3 or 4 trips to her family doctor, he ordered a chest x-ray. However, her "COVID-like symptoms" limited the places that would allow her to get the x-ray done, and she had to wait until January 31st. In the late evening of January 12th, 2022, I texted my mom to tell her about something unimportant (as I o...

In Tune with Grief: A Playlist for the Hard Days

Grief can be really hard to articulate. Sometimes words don't cut it, and that's where music steps in as a universal language that speaks to the soul. I put together a Spotify playlist that has become my companion on the ride through the emotional journey of grieving my mom. How Do I Say Goodbye? - Dean Lewis Lifetime - Three Days Grace Drowning - Chris Young You Should be Here - Cole Swindell Dad's Old Number - Cole Swindell Drink A Beer - Luke Bryan Gone too soon - Simple Plan If I Would Have Known - Kyle Hume Supermarket Flowers - Ed Shower Stick Around - Lukas Graham Tough People Do - Brett Kissel You're Not There - Lukas Graham Save the Roses - Lee Brice When I Get There - P!nk Never Not Remember You - Cooper Alan Down Home - Jimmie Allen If Heaven Had a Landline - Brian Congdon Bittersweet - Zac Brown Band When Tomorrow Starts Without Me - Trey Pendley This Side of Heaven - Riley Clemmons A Mother's Love - Mark Masri, Jim Brickman If you have other songs that...

January 13: Choosing Healing on the Hardest Day

It's the middle of the night, between January 12th and January 13th, and it was at this exact time, 4 years ago, that my grief truly began. I was texting with my mom who was in the ER trying to learn why she suddenly couldn't catch her breath during continuous fits of coughing. With every text update, my worry grew. I woke up my husband in the middle of the night out of fear when my mom told me she had fluid in her lungs. I even said in a panic, "what if it's cancer!?" And although he tried to tell me not to jump to an extreme like that, I knew enough about the body and the medical world to know that fluid needing to be drained from her lungs wasn't good. And it was only a few short hours and barely any sleep later that my mom broke the news to me... Tumours. Lots of them. In both lungs. And yes... cancer. January 13th is mom's (unofficial) diagnosis day. And it's a day stuck in my memory that's as painful as the day she died. It was the day my who...