Cry because it's over AND smile because it happened

Three months after my mom's passing, I joined a 9-week closed grief group. It was led by a counsellor who commenced each session by reading a page from Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt's "Grief One Day at a Time: 365 meditations to help you heal after loss." The book features a daily quote followed by a brief discussion. It resonated deeply with me, so much so that I decided to buy a copy for myself. The journey through mourning has often left me feeling very lonely with my thoughts, and this book really helps to validate some of the feelings I have or have had.

Today, I want to share the quote and discussion from February 4th:

 ""Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss

Mostly I love Dr. Seuss, but here he perpetuates one of our culture's most predominant misconceptions about grief: We shouldn't be sad because...

-the people who died wouldn't want us to be sad.

-crying doesn't do anyone any good.

-we deserve to be happy.

But we ARE sad! Of course we are! And if we ARE sad, that means we need to be sad.

What's more, crying is great for our bodies and souls because it releases stress chemicals, signals to others we need support, and helps us feel better afterward. It's a form of active mourning, and active mourning is always good.

When you run into this quote by Dr. Seuss (and you will; it's everywhere), here's what I want you to think to yourself instead: Cry because it's over AND smile because it happened. Crying is good for us. So is learning to smile at the good memories and the love we still feel. The two actions are not mutually exclusive; they go hand-in-hand."

Today's entry strikes a chord within me. While I really truly cherish Dr. Seuss, and often draw inspiration from his quotes, Dr Wolfelt's discussion is so true. Despite the well-meaning individuals who have insisted I deserve happiness and that my mom wouldn't want me to be sad, their words fail to bring me comfort. What I truly need is not to be cheered up, but to openly acknowledge the depth of my sadness. Upon introspection, I've discovered that the people I find most comforting to be around are those who don't always offer positivity - it's the ones who sit beside me shedding tears, sharing stories, and acknowledging that it's OK to be sad.

Grief and gratitude can coexist. I will cry because my mom died AND I will smile because I had the best mom ever.

PS. This book gets a 5 out of 5 stars from me. Highly recommend. This is the 2nd time I've referenced this book in this blog. I also talked about it here.