Becoming a Mom Without my Mom

Becoming a mom is something I’ve dreamed about for years. But ever since my mom died, the thought of becoming a mom without my mom has brought an overwhelming ache and sadness inside me. She isn't here, and she never will be, for this.

When Jeff and I bought our house, Mom was so excited. She'd say, "Your new house is kind of on my way home from work, so once you have kids, I can pop in on my way home if you need anything!" Mom talked about "one day" all the time, always with so much enthusiasm. She loved being Gramma to my niece and nephew, and I couldn't wait for her to be Gramma to my child too. We shared a special closeness, and I knew that the bond between her and my child would be like no other.

But now that bond won't happen. Instead, I’m left with a mix of emotions - joy, excitement, and a massive, undeniable hole where she should be.

Days before Mom died, I tried to talk to her about having kids one day and she instantly shut the conversation down and sternly said, "Amanda, I'm going to be there." Mom was so positive, right to the end. And I know there's nothing that would have made her angrier than to know she wouldn't get to be here for me while I become a mother, or for her new grandbaby.

It feels so unfair. I’m stepping into this new chapter, and the person I need so badly isn’t here. I think about all the questions I’d want to ask her and all the times I’ll wish I could call her just to say, “Mom, what do I do?” I think about how she would've been my biggest cheerleader through it all, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I’ve been carrying this grief since the day I lost her, but now it feels even heavier. I miss her so much, and I miss all the ways she would’ve been part of this journey.

People tell me, “She’s still with you,” and I get what they mean. I feel her in the lessons she taught me, in the memories we made, and in the love she poured into me. But honestly, that just doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t want her spirit or her lessons - I want her.

I know I’ll figure it out - I have to. I’ll lean on my husband, my network of supporters, and on the pieces of her that live inside me. But I’m not going to pretend it’s easy or that I’m at peace with it. I’m not. It’s messy, it’s hard, and it hurts.

I’ll try to honour Mom by being the kind of mom she was to me - loving, patient, and fiercely protective. I’ll tell my child about her, about the way she lit up a room and how deeply she cared for the people she loved. But I’ll also let myself grieve, because this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

To anyone else who’s stepping into motherhood without their mom, I see you. I know how complicated it is to hold joy and grief at the same time, and to feel like you’re missing something so fundamental. It’s okay to sit with that pain, to be angry, to cry, and to miss her every step of the way. We don’t have to have it all figured out. We’re doing the best we can, and that’s enough.

Mom, I wish you were here. I wish I could call you, hug you, and watch you light up when you meet your grandchild. I will carry you in my heart forever and always ❤️

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