Two years ago, I wrote a letter to myself ‘from my mom,’ and it was one of the most healing things I’ve ever done (post here). It reminded me that even though she’s no longer here with me physically, our bond - our closeness, the way she knew me so deeply, and the way I knew her - will never go away. Mom showed up for me so consistently and with so much love that I can still hear her voice and know exactly what she’d say to me. How beautiful is that? I’m so grateful to have had the best, most supportive mom.
Lately, the emotions have been hitting me hard again. In those moments, I realized that I needed to hear her encouraging words once more. So, I decided to write myself another letter from Mom, and here it is:
Dear Amanda,
Amanda, I'm so proud of you. I know I'm your mom so you think "of course you're going to say that," but I really mean it. Let me tell you why...
I’m proud of the person you are today, and of who you’re still becoming.
I’m proud of you for continuing to be the kind, loving, compassionate person you are, despite all the pain and loss you’ve been through lately.
I’m proud of your work success. I always knew you’d accomplish whatever you set your sights on, but it’s really special to see it all unfold for you.
I’m proud of the daughter you are. For dad, now, for me, when I was still alive, and for my memory, always.
I’m proud of you for sharing your grief with the world. I know the thoughts you have and the feelings you share are really hard to share sometimes, but you’re doing it anyway. It matters. I’ve always loved to read your writing when you were growing up, and now seeing you share your words with the world is remarkable.
I’m proud of how you’ve been showing up for others who are grieving. It doesn’t surprise me one bit that you decided to volunteer for a week at a children’s grief camp, knowing how hard it would be, but doing it anyway.
I’m proud of you for still following your dream to become a Mom, despite the pain you’re in from losing me, and the fears you have of your future child’s pain if they were to ever lose you. You’re going to make a great Mom.
I’m proud of you for continuing to find the light - for remembering that we will get through this, too, just like I always said. The light will always shine again.
Keep going, Amanda. Keep smiling, keep loving, keep being you and keep doing what you do. There’s only one you, and only you can do what you do.
I love you, Amanda, I’m cheering you on, always, from wherever I am. And if you ever need to hear my voice, just close your eyes and touch your heart and listen - I’m always with you.
Love always,
Mom
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