Anything I Wanted

I LOVE Panera Bread mac and cheese. It's so creamy and warm and delicious. And it's comfort.

After my many oral surgeries growing up, I was always restricted to a soft-food diet. And because of the anesthetic, I had to fast beforehand. So before going into the operating room, I'd always dream up what I wanted to eat as soon as I felt well enough.

My mom would take me to every single one of those surgeries. She'd sit in the waiting room, she'd distract me, she'd comfort me, and she'd always be there for me when I woke up. And as soon as I was felt well enough to eat, she always told me I could have anything I wanted (within my doctor-mandated soft-food diet). I always chose the same thing... a tiny, expensive bowl of macaroni and cheese. I loved that she let me have whatever I wanted.

The last time I had Panera Bread mac and cheese (before last week) was 4 years ago, almost to the day. It was in the hospital Emergency Room, and it was the last day I spent with my mom before she was intubated. I was there with her the whole day, and in her very Mom-like way, she was concerned for me that I hadn't eaten. She told me to order anything I wanted off her Uber Eats account, and she'd pay. My stomach was in knots... I hadn't eaten, and I couldn't eat, but she insisted. So I decided to order my comfort food. I had a few bites, but not even Panera Bread mac and cheese would settle the fear and nerves in my stomach. Thankfully, Mom had an appetite and got to enjoy some of it, too, which made me happy. She never used to eat it with me... it was always my thing. I was glad she was A) hungry enough to eat food and B) enjoying my comfort food.

How ironic.

All those years, Mom was the one sitting beside my hospital bed, making sure I was okay, telling me I could have anything I wanted. And there I was, sitting beside her hospital bed. And she was still making sure I was okay. Still telling me I could have anything I wanted. 

That's my mom.

Last week, I stopped at Panera and ordered the mac and cheese. I enjoyed it so much. And as I ate it for the first time in 4 years, it reminded me of my mom's love for me. Her protection of me. The way she always made sure I was taken care of. It brought me all kinds of comfort.

Thanks, Mom, for comforting me from afar.